I decided, during all of the insanity of the last few months, that I needed to attend to my spiritual side a little more. I was baptized into the LDS (for those of you who aren't sure what that is, its the Mormon) church when Randy and I were first married. I had times of being inactive and other times when I was very active and had callings within the church. When we started having problems in our marriage, I stopped going. I told myself it was because I was against their stand on gay marriage, that it was because it was a patriarchal church, because I didn't like the commandments that they follow, etc. But I think back and I'm pretty sure that the biggest reason was because I didn't want to be involved in something that Randy was involved with and felt I had to leave in order to sever all links to him. So I went through this whole period in my life when I was "searching" for what I believed.
This is what I came up with: 1. I believe in God. I think that most of the other belief systems that I looked at believe in the same over all deity, we all just call him by different names. 2. I believe in the savior. I think its interesting that a lot of people will claim that he was just a prophet (like that puts him in a lower class bracket than a savior), but they still want to believe in him. I would be able to say that also, except that I had a personal experience that made me a believer and that kind of makes it hard to just change my mind. 3. I believe in the Holy Ghost. 4. I don't have a testimony on Joseph Smith, but I do believe that Heavenly Father hasn't just cut us off from having prophets and from new revelation and therefor I can't disprove it either.
When a person is going through extreme times like the death of a spouse, the need for the comfort of a belief system can be quite strong. While being with Randy these last few months didn't exactly make me feel a need to be in the same belief system as him, I did feel a need to find a belief system that I had the most ties to in the past. The LDS church fit that role for me. I have had some of the most powerful and happy memories while being associated to that church. I had an overpowering feeling that I wanted to be in the chapel at church and soak in the feeling of peace that I got there in the past. I needed the support from a group of people that would welcome me in with open arms and I needed the feeling that I could talk (pray) to God and get help while I deal with sadness and loss.
I started back last week and it was everything that I needed. I had a huge "ahhhh" moment of relief when I sat in the sacrament hall and soaked in the peacefulness there.
I am a person who believes that you never do anything halfway. If you are going to follow a belief system, you immerse yourself in it. Yesterday I signed up for everything at church. Now I have what I need. I have the peace of the church, I can get involved with the community and be comfortable that I am doing so in a safe group of people, and I can get out and get some social life that I need in order to get through this period of mourning.
When people tell you that God doesn't do anything without a reason, I believe that my life right now is an example of that. Yes, losing Randy is hard and I would do anything to make it not have to be, but it did and I have to move on with my life. But in losing Randy, I now have a home that is affordable, the start of a craft business that I believe that I can support myself and John with, a town I can get involved in, and a church that I understand and that gives me comfort. I feel like I am becoming a whole person.
Enough about religion! Look! I found this great link being shared on twitter today and thought it was something I would like to share. It goes with the whole idea of using knitting as a way of completing one's social circle and enriching life. http://www.bostonglobe.com/lifestyle/style/2013/02/04/knitting-cooking-and-reading-this-male-bonding/xAHyX6QXIPvaaLpGXXnLHI/story.html?s_campaign=sm_tw
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