Why I've been AWOL for so long

So, yeah... things have been a bit on the crazy side lately. Here's what is happening:

I was just getting into the groove of re purposing  and working on a knitting and sewing business when we had a visit from my husband, Randy.  Randy and I have been split up for the last two years and he came out to visit and take my daughter to see "Wicked" in Las Vegas, for her birthday. That was mid September. When he showed up, he looked pale and like he had lost weight. He complained that he was fighting a persistent cough and was feeling bad, so he had me go with her instead. He just seemed weak and fragile the whole weekend he was there and we were worried and spoke of it later.

Two weeks later he called to tell us that he was in the hospital and asked if we could send John (my 22 year old son) out to take care of his dog while he was treated for a bleeding ulcer. Of course, we juggled finances and got John out there as quickly as we could.
A week later he called again and said that the doctors told him he had cancer. Michelle and I made arrangements and went to see him at the VA hospital in California where he was at. We stayed at his place in the High Desert while we were there and cleaned it up as good as we could so he would be able to come home to a healthy environment. John opted to stay and take care of the dog when we went home three days later. Michelle got FMLA approved at work so we could make any more trips that were needed.

Two weeks later, he called again and admitted that he didn't think he would be allowed to leave the hospital. He was that sick. His Aunt Bobby also called and appealed to me that he needed someone to watch over him if he were released from the hospital. This time Michelle wasn't able to take time off work, so I took the Grayhound out and made trips to the hospital from his house. After I was there for a week, it was decided to allow him to go home and be in hospice care. 

So that is where we stand now. I'm his caretaker while he is in hospice and he has been given less that 6 months. The cancer is in his small intestines, his lungs, and his back and he is very weak. He has lost about 50 lbs in 2 months. We have a visiting nurse that comes by twice a week and a home health aid that comes 3 times a week. 

I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster. I'm taking care of a man that I swore I wouldn't live with anymore and I ended up spending all of my disability check for the last two months to take care of him. We have applied two months ago for state disability and SSI for him and haven't seen any of that yet. After not being able to get through to State Disability for California on their website (it seems to be in maintenance a lot) and not being able to call them (they have a recording that lets us know there are too many people ahead of us and to call back...every time we call), we are at wits end. SSI is being handled by an attorney, and they keep sending us the same form to fill out and send in. Randy's car broke down and we don't have money to fix it, so I'm packing laundry to a laundromat three times a week and taking the bus to buy groceries. We simply don't have enough money for the part needed to fix the car. 

On the other hand, we have had enough time to really talk and work on the issues that had me leave two years ago. We are getting along better now than we have in years and I genuinely care for him.  It is extremely difficult to see him getting sicker and sicker and I feel awful that I can't fix this whole cancer thing. This is one time when my knitting has really helped to keep me calm and has helped me to think about something other than our situation here. 

The place here is tiny. Its a converted garage in the back of a lot with the house rental in front. Randy rents the garage and a young couple and baby live in the house. They share a large yard where Randy's dog, Shadow, interacts with the neighbor's dog. I had Michelle bring my little dog, 2bits out to be with me as I don't know how long I'll be here. The house has two rooms and a tiny bathroom. One room has a small kitchen on one end and Randy's desk on the other. We managed to squeeze a hospital bed in Randy's room along with a twin bed and John and I take turns sleeping on the twin bed. 

The first thing I did when I got here was to scour the entire place. It was extremely dusty and had insect issues. I made sure it was clean before Randy came home from the hospital.  I had to get some extra sheets that were long enough for the hospital bed and had Chelle bring out some towels so there would be enough for us. I also had to hit the dollar store to get enough dishes for the three of us. I made up a daily cleaning schedule using my Flylady training and made a control journal to keep up on it. After a month of that, the place is sparkling. 

My stress over the finances is growing. It isn't even half way through the month and I've used up my foodstamps and SSI check and we still haven't heard a peep from disability for Randy, other than that they are working on his application and not to email them again. Not sure how we're going to magically get food and pay for laundry when my money is gone. We called a social worker at the VA and after giving us the website for disability (the same one we were already trying and not getting through on), she applied to a charity for Vets that helps out in extreme need. They were able to cover the rent for us at least.  

My sock project continued!

So, here are the first five pairs of socks that I made to go to the school in Florida. I'm having a lot of fun with this project.

This has been keeping me pretty busy which is good because things around the house have been hectic and I use my knitting to stay sane. My fibro issues have been up and down. I have short flares interspersed with times where my energy is up and I'm doing better. I received a new cpap machine from my doctor and that is helping some, but I'm having battles with Social Security and medicaid and that causes some stress. Our roommates are moving next week and it also causes some stress. 

My other news is that I'm working on spiritual issues and we're trying to "get green" at our place. I started making a lot of my own cleaning and hygiene products and we went vegetarian a couple months ago. The change in diet has improved my diabetes and I'm getting used to it and finding it helps with my energy levels as well. I was already walking on the treadmill regularly so now I'm actually losing a little weight. All of that helps my fibro pain. I'll keep posting sock pictures as I make them. 

Stuff I've finished lately. oh...and some musings about my fibro too.

I don't understand myself sometimes. Of all the people I know, I should be the most patient and understanding when someone else tells me that they are in pain and can't do something, yet I find myself feeling angry and resentful. I hear the little voice in my head say things like, "If you think you're in pain, you should spend a day in my shoes..." I hate it when I do that, yet I do it anyways.
After doing a google search I've found that there are several other fibro/knitter blogs out there. All of them discuss the properties of meditation that knitting gives to them to help them cope. Guess I'm on to something there.hehe

I'm working on some socks right now. I auctioned a pair of my socks on Listia last week and the lady that won told me that she would like to get more to give to a school that she works at in Florida. Its a school for disabled girls. Sounds like my kind of project, so I'm knitting up 18 pairs of ladies sized socks to donate to her school. As much as I love knitting socks, I'm really excited about it. I almost have the first pair done and she is going to help me with yarn to make more. I'll attempt to take lots of pics to post as I go. It'll be a good summer project to keep my hands and mind busy.

I just finished with a set of socks and mittens (yeah, I know, its the middle of summer hehe). I'll hold onto them till fall before I attempt to auction them off, but I can put some pictures up today.

These are the socks I'm working on right now for the school in Florida. I hate that my rinky phone camera doesn't do justice for the color. these are actually a light violet color, quite pretty.

I also crocheted a little baby sweater set out of the fuzzy yarn that my Aunt Andrea gave me:

I just need to get some pretty ribbon to put in the booties so they can be donated.

I didn't use a pattern for the baby set, just looked at a pattern online to get started on the raglan style bodice and then worked from there. After crocheting for so many years before I learned to knit, I still find it the easiest to make my own designs with. 

Well, back to knitting! I need to get these darned socks off the needles. I have yarn in my stash that's screaming at me to get started on the next pair!

A little hectic here lately

Things have been busy here, but it's all been good stuff. I took a break from gloves (mid pair, like I always seem to do) and made a wash cloth. Hmmm....let me start from the beginning.
We got new room mates....no....before that...


We got a new cat. Morgan came into our lives a month ago and has settled right in. He's big, real big, and bushy and black and is very regal until someone rustles his food bag. Then he becomes a spaz. 
Then we had room mates move in. Zasha and Siobhan moved in after they decided to try this area out for jobs. They are long time friends of ours and it's been very pleasant having them here. They put up with our eccentricities very nicely! 


I'm still working out on the treadmill every day and have been at it for two months now. I even decided I needed to treat myself for my hard work and picked up Sims 3. So when I'm not knitting, exercising, or trying to keep up with my housework, I'm populating Sim worlds.


As far as my fibro goes, the exercise helps me keep my pain levels in check, but I did get a little absent minded this last week and missed a doctor appointment. I have my painful moments, don't get me wrong, but I seem to get through them with a lot less stress now.  


This week John (that's my son for all of you who don't know me) is coming for a visit and will be staying for a month. That means lots of Dungeons & Dragons! I already have a Gnome character all made up for our game. Speaking of Gnomes. These are some glasses Chelle bought me a while back. 

I'm somewhat fond of Gnome stuff.


The washcloth that I was speaking of a few paragraphs ago is for my new room mate, Siobhan. We all made a trek to Hobby Lobby the other day and purchased yarn. I got two skeins of "I Love This Yarn" cotton yarn for wash cloths and two skeins of  "I love This Yarn" acrylic yarn for children's gloves.


Here is the finished wash cloth. It's made with size 9 regular needles and is a simple seed stitch with a garter stitch border. Nothing fancy, but it's extremely soft. Washcloths are also a great project when you need something simple that you can knit while you meditate.  One of the nicest cotton yarns I've found that is so inexpensive.

I have some more that is in a tan with orange and brown speckles. I plan to make another cloth for Chelle.


That's about all I have for now. Have a nice Leap year!

Yet another pair of fingerless gloves

You would think I would figure out that taking pictures at night isn't such a good idea. They all turn out looking like the same colored yarn for each one. These gloves are actually dark green with a white accent.

I decided to do this pair with partial fingers instead of making them into mitts. It takes a little more work, but they seem to sell better. I usually opt for the mitts so I don't have to do battle with holes between the fingers. However, I appear to be doing better in that regard. This time I don't see any gaps, and I used worsted weight yarn. If I can continue with that I will be really pleased. I know I can revise the gauge and make them with sock yarn, but they take longer and are more expensive to make. Not a good option for things I sell. I made this one, now I need to make its mate and then put them on Etsy to sell. 

I started doing chair yoga today for my fibro. I managed to make it through an entire month on the treadmill and now I'm ready to add a little more. I figure the yoga will help with flexibility and I plan to do it every other day and change it out with some weight training on the other days. I'll see if that will give me the strength and flexibility that this darned illness takes away. I am determined to fight my way back to the best health I can manage. I went from being in a wheelchair all the time to walking twice a day for 20 minutes at a time. My goal is to get to a point where my energy and strength are good enough to make it possible to start working again. I know I can do it, I just have to be smart about it and work towards it in babysteps. 

Now I just need to get my sleep problems ironed out so that doesn't drain my energy so much. 

Yay!! New projects!

I can safely say that I have been one busy knitter! Before I post pictures, though, I would like to discuss the following nifty things. First, I have been reading! LOL I read two books in particular that deal with issues about my fibromyalgia. I keep reading about stress relief being a huge part of controlling pain and have been delving into the idea of knitting being used for meditation. A good book I found on the subject is "Mindful Knitting" by Tara Jon Manning. Another great read that I found has more to do with keeping a positive attitude while dealing with adversity and that is "Get Off Your 'But', How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself" by Sean Stephenson. 


My other piece of news is that I finally took the step towards advocacy and wrote letters to my State Senators in behalf of the National Fibromyagia & Chronic Pain Association. It was to get them to go to a meeting that discusses the need for the Senate to take some action towards making life more livable for people with chronic pain issues. I've been wanting to get more active for fibromyalgia causes. 


Now...about knitting.LOL I got my Etsy shop back up and going and put a few things up for sale. Here are some of the things I've been working on:

 

These are some gloves I made and put on Etsy. I used Wool-ease yarn that I had in my stash. 

 

This is a dog sweater I finished quite a while ago and finally got around to putting the button on it. I also have it up for sale. 2bits hates me. She hid for hours after I forced her to model.

 

Some child sized gloves that I made. I started these before Christmas and got sidetracked with making gifts so they didn't get finished till February. I have them up for sale on Etsy right now also.

Finally, these are what I'm working on right now. I'm going to make this pair of gloves with partial fingers. I'll try and get a picture of them up after I'm finished.

"Pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional." Sean Stephenson

I, like a lot of people like myself, have a little secret.
Every morning, I have to fight off a monster.

It greets me before I open my eyes. It whispers in my ear, "Don't get up. You hurt too much. Just lay here and allow your family to take care of everything. You know they would be more than willing to."

But the monster forgets that I'm too stubborn to listen to it. It knows that I will push past it and get up. I will do everything I have to to make it possible to enjoy my day. Right now, I am winning every day.

For a while, a couple years ago, that wasn't true. I allowed to monster to rule my life. I let my husband and my family do everything around the house. I took pain medication and stayed immobile. I forgot to take care of myself and let my hair get dirty and my face break out. I put aside the things that mattered to me, my family, my crafts, even my pets. I allowed the monster to possess my life.

I allowed the monster, Fibromyalgia, to become my identity.

I am pleased to say that I have acquired a few very powerful weapons to use against my monster. My biggest weapon is my family. While they would step in and do everything for me if I ask, they also step back and let me take control of my own life when I feel like I can. They have stood by me through thick and thin. They are my cheerleaders and my muscles when mine refuse to work. I love them dearly.

Another weapon that you will go, "Huh?" when I mention it, is Flylady. Go to flylady.com for a quick look at what I'm talking about. Flylady gives me the power to keep up with my home, regain my self-esteem, and get organized at my own pace. It has made me realize that my best friend is my kitchen timer.LOL

My latest weapon is a great motivational speaker that my daughter told me about. I'm reading his book now and he is a powerful person. He is showing me how to push past my barriers, how to claim back my life from my monster. His name is Sean Stephenson and he has a great book to read called "Get off your 'But'". My favorite quote from him is one that his mother told him when he was a child, "Pain is inevitable. Eventually, it touches us all. Suffering, however, is optional." That is now my mantra!



Now...my knitting! LOL I have a new baby sweater set that I've finished, but haven't taken pictures of yet. I also made some fingerless gloves for a family friend and gave them to her. I'm crocheting a couple doilies to put under my pepper plants right now, small sized pineapple designed that I got from a vintage doily book I've had for years. It was printed during the 40's and I love the old fashioned doilies in it. I'll try and get a picture of it when I finish it.