I just thought I should devote some space towards my separation from my husband. My marriage hadn't been very strong before I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, but I believe that it had a huge impact on our relationship. I don't figure the actual diagnoses as when I first displayed symptoms, but several years previous to it. I believe that I started having fibro symptoms when I had my first back surgery. It felt as if I never actually healed and I also suffered from sleep apnea so It was around 3 years before my diagnoses.
That was also the time that I found myself feeling very resentful about housework and chores. The daily difficulty of trying to keep the house clean enough to be healthy for my son who was still young and at the same time, dealing with financial stress and the nagging voice in my head that told me I should just sweep the pain under a rug and go to work, made me really negative. When I look back, I realize that I was fighting a losing battle. At the same time, I lost any interest in sex and my self esteem took quite a beating. By the time I first separated and when I finally left for good, I had somewhere along the way gone from feeling like I was holding the world on my shoulders to the idea that I was useless and not helping my family by being alive. The last year of my marriage was spent in one room while he stayed in another and the only time we talked was when it was meal time. My stubborn side told me that I couldn't leave and throw 30 years of marriage away, but my heart told me that if I stayed I would end up sitting in my chair in front of my computer and I would die from not moving. I had lost interest in everything except computer games and didn't leave the apartment.
Luckily I was driven out of the apartment by the heat. We couldn't afford to pay our electric bill and I was so miserable from the heat that I asked my daughter if I could visit her and her room mates. That's what saved me. A week later, I was getting up, cooking, walking around, visiting things outside of her home and, yes, knitting again. I went back long enough to pack my things, say goodbye to my son and husband, and then moved.
I'm not saying that the last year has been easy. I've seen some pretty heavy mood swings and I've had a few health set-backs. But when I look back to last summer, I realize that I have progressed. I now share an apartment with my daughter and a couple of good friends, have a good doctor that is accessible, and I swim three times a week and walk daily. I love to cook, clean my little apartment, and, of course, knit. I still enjoy playing computer games, don't get me wrong, but it isn't all that I have now.
