Thursday, February 19, 2015

Why I Don't Go to Church Anymore

Dear Visiting Teacher,

Please stop calling me. In order for me to listen to your message, you take minutes away from my phone that I need for doctor appointment calls and I can't afford more minutes.

Besides, I've stopped going to church and don't intend to go back. You see, I only make enough money on Social Security to pay my rent and utilities and nothing more. Yes, I do get food stamps, but they don't cover the cost of living each month. I have enough money left over after rent and utilities to pay for my bus fare for the month and half of the laundry, none for tithing, toilet paper, dish soap, cleaners, cat food, clothing, or anything extra...like lunch with my church friends, or an extra casserole for a funeral. If my food stamps don't make it to the end of the month, I eat nothing but biscuits or potatoes until the next batch of stamps arrive in my account. (I might make a copy of this to give to my doctor who suggests that I eat wild salmon a couple times a week and organic vegetables to regulate my blood sugar)

 In order to control my skin conditions, I wash my cloths by hand when the laundry money runs out so that my skin won't break out. I gave up my cable for my TV, I don't have a phone, other than the little track phone that I have to pay to put minutes on, and I get fabric and yarn from clothing that I find and friends that have been generous, otherwise I can't afford to spend on that as well. When I didn't have money to pay for milk, I bounced my checking account and was forced to sell my wedding bands to pay the fees. When a surprise fee was withdrawn for a book store account, I sold my violin to pay the bank for that oversight. I have nothing left to sell to make up for any other mistakes or emergencies that I might have happen.

So when you tell me that I need to have faith that God will step in when I pay my tithing each month, and that he will get me through, I'm not listening any more. I know better. When the Relief Society President and the Bishop tell me that I need to rely on food stamps for my needs and that I can only ask for help from the Bishop Storehouse in the case of a dire emergency, I smile indulgently and turn away, because, for some of us, getting through each month is a dire emergency. And when you tell me that I should try and convert my inactive son and my non member daughter to the church, I laugh. If it weren't for them, I would be homeless right now.

As a church member, my only help would be if I were to marry someone just for convenience sake and have them support me. I don't intend to go there.

Yes, I could kick out my daughter who works part time so that she can deal with her anxiety and OCD that she is unable to get disability for and my son who chooses to deal with his autism without being labeled as disabled and held back from accomplishing his goals that he has set, even if I was able to get past my conscience and do that, I would not make enough to continue living here and would end up homeless or in a dangerous neighborhood where the rent is lower. Right now, the only way we are making it at all is to stick together.

So, I guess you can say that I've been questioning my faith a lot lately. I don't believe that God would be able to love his children and still leave them desperate and hopeless. Would he have me pay tithing and be homeless? Because that is what I look at when I make that decision. There are no other ways to trim expenses and cut costs here. There isn't another "source" of income to be had. I have no other valuables to sell. My health doesn't allow me to miraculously start working again for income.

Do I believe in God? Yes. I believe that he knows my situation and he has given me the intelligence and resourcefulness to find a way to survive, but I don't believe that he expects what the Church expects. I don't think that he expects me to have blind faith and that he'll provide for me while I do.

Peg